Southern Zodiac



THE SOUTHERN ZODIAC

 

The Southern Zodiac consists of a 12-year cycle, with each year named after an animal, vegetable or desert associated with the South.  While absolutely no one actually believes that the year of a person’s birth imparts to individuals the traits of these signs, we at Southern Zodiac Knickknacks, Place Mats and Bumper Stickers Inc. believe that our time has come.  In the near future you will not be able to sit down at a barbecue restaurant without seeing a paper place mat explaining the Southern Zodiac.

 

Pick up trucks all over the South will have bumper stickers that say things like, “I’m a Chitlin on the prowl for the right Moon Pie.”  For married folks there will be advice, “If you love dancing, never marry a Possum.”  At some point you’ll see, “Marry a Grit and the whole family moves in.”      

 

While the Southern Zodiac has been around for some time we have taken it to that mythical next level you so often hear sports commentators mention.  We have conducted extensive research using the latest polling and psychological profiling techniques.  Psychics gave us readings on the telephone and were able to guess our signs with astounding accuracy.  For the sake of full disclosure let me announce that I am a Butter Bean married to a Catfish.

 

The twelve signs of the Southern Zodiac include; Okra, Chitlin, Boll Weevil, Moon Pie, Possum, Crawfish, Collards, Catfish, Grits, Boiled Peanuts, Butter Bean, and Armadillo.  Each of them has unique characteristics and charm.  Some signs go together like Okra and Collards and other don’t do well together at all, such as Crawfish and Moon Pies. 

 

For those of you with nothing to believe in; for those of you who want to explain why your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, boss, co-worker etc., act the way they do we present (pretend there are drum rolls here.)  The Southern Zodiac. 

 

    

OKRA

1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008

 

You remain a mystery to most with your rough exterior, but on the inside you’re just the opposite and at times can even be too slick.  This seeming contradiction turns some people off, though the ones who love you will remain loyal even when you find yourself in a stew.  Often Okras get along well with Collards, Chitlins and Catfish.  Never marry an Armadillo because they have a short life span and will eat you for lunch.

 

CHITLIN

1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 2009

 

Chitlins are not used to living high on the hog, generally coming from humble backgrounds.  However, you can make something special of yourself with motivation and the appropriate amount of seasoning.  Most people will be very curious about your background and preparation for any task.  Chitlins often appreciate every opportunity presented since they have seen the worst that life can offer.  Chitlins are misunderstood by many, but generally get along well with Collards and Catfish.  Finding a mate will be difficult for you, but consider a Moon Pie.  They have a soft heart and are very easy to please.

 

BOLL WEEVIL

1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998,

 

When appearance is secondary Boll Weevils are at their best.  You won’t have a date for the prom, but your desire to dig deep into anything makes you an ideal science project partner.  You are the ultimate nerds.  Boll Weevils are intense, driven and single minded.  You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with outside appearances and you feel the need to bore deep into everything.  You often are a computer nerd and sometimes can be a geek.  Only another Boll Weevil will marry you unless you make a fortune in high tech.

 

MOON PIE

1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999,


You're the type that spends a lot of time rocking on the front porch or napping in a hammock.  It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies who often shop in the portly pal section of clothing stores.  Big and soft are the key words here. You should marry anybody whose idea of a big time is an all-you-can-eat barbecue buffet.  It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics, then again, maybe not.  You might consider marrying a Boll Weevil since they eat all the time. 


POSSUM

1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 

 

Possums are not extroverts and often prefer to be left alone.  When confronted with life's difficulties Possums become even more withdrawn.  This tendency is so obvious that the term, “Playing Possum” has come to mean pretending to be dead.  If opposites attract you are sure to fall in love with a Collard.  While aggressively confronting problems will never be your strong suit, don’t ignore the ones that could run over you.


CRAWFISH

1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001,


Crawfish love partying around the pool with lots of other Crawfish.  If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains.  A big night at home will definitely include a very hot bath.  You don’t look good in swimming trunks but generally have excellent taste.  Crawfish can often be found in places where there are many Catfish.  Stay away from Moon Pies because they do poorly in water.   

 

COLLARDS

1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002,

 

Collards are hearty and strong.  They tend to wield influence on all around them with their very essence.  Collards love to be in the midst of others like themselves.  Collards don’t tend to be the main attraction, but a great addition to any team.  Others, who may be overwhelmed, do not always appreciate the strength of Collards.  Most who like Catfish are also attracted to Collards.  For that reason it might be a good idea to seek out a Catfish for a mate.


CATFISH

1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003,

 

Catfish will eat anything and simply love to feed where there is a large buffet line.  They will eat every dish down to the very bottom.  Catfish seldom seek the limelight and are content to live their lives in relative obscurity.  You will often find them at the lowest rung of the totem pole.   Many Catfish enjoy water sports, particularly scuba diving.  Catfish seldom win beauty pageants, but those who love them are more than willing to forego looks for taste.  Catfish should look to Okras for a mate. 

 

 

GRITS

1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004,

 

Grits value being part of a team most of all.  They are seldom singled out for recognition, preferring to work together with a large number of other Grits.  Most Grits are early risers and think of breakfast as the best meal of the day.  Grits tend to have rather bland personalities that often need to be spiced up.  Grits do not fit in well with any of the other Southern Signs.  Grits should marry other Grits.  If you must look outside your sign for a mate consider Okras and Catfish, though these unions tend to more one night stands than everyday marriages.

 


BOILED PEANUTS

1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005,

 

Boiled Peanuts have a salty personality that belies their inside tenderness.  They love the soil and are most at home in the garden.  Even people who enjoy being around Boiled Peanuts need to discretely keep their meetings short.  Boiled Peanuts can have an almost addicting affect on others.  Boiled Peanuts should not be jealous of their more popular cousins, Roasted Peanuts.  You have a unique character that is all your own.  On the road of life you can be sure that others will pull over and stop for you.  Do not marry a Chitlin because finding friends who will like you both at the same time is almost impossible.


BUTTER BEAN

1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006,


Butter Beans are wallflowers on the table of life, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.  You get along well with almost everybody, but are often overlooked.  Butter Beans tend to be an afterthought and not essential at any gathering.  You are often seen with Okras so maybe they would make a good mate selection.  Do not marry a Grit because you will never feel part of the family.


ARMADILLO

1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007

 

Armadillos are not good travelers and should always stay very close to home.  You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but a drive along any southern road proves that you are not as tough as you believe.  A good evening for you is one that keeps you off the road.  Armadillos tend to be rooted in the past.  You will be absolutely the last one on your block to surf the web.  Come out of your shell when looking for a mate because it will be a tough sell.

 

There you have it.  Put them on the refrigerator and when you have trouble understanding someone’s actions just check the Southern Zodiac.  I’m certain it will be as helpful to you as it is to me. 

 

Some have inquired why the Southern Zodiac doesn’t work like the astrological signs that change every few weeks.  The answer is simple, southerners don’t do anything that fast.  We figure changing the sign every year is plenty fast enough.

 

As a reminder, the twelve signs of the Southern Zodiac include; Okra, Chitlin, Boll Weevil, Moon Pie, Possum, Crawfish, Collards, Catfish, Grits, Boiled Peanuts, Butter Bean, and Armadillo.  Did you find yourself? 

 

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Author's note:  I indicated in the opening page of this site that all work is original, however, it is only fair to note that this concept was not original to me.  I am not certain where it originated.  I took the basic idea and made substantial additions. 

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