It's A Kean World




About a year or so after the tragic events of 9/11 Bubba, who was known as BJ (Bubba Junior) until his father, Bubba Senior died in a tragic fishing accident, called to discuss his preparations for a terrorist attack.  He was confused by the Department of Homeland Security’s suggestion to buy duct tape, believing with all his soul that every American had a few rolls of the stuff in a tool chest, the garage or most likely under the seat of his pickup.  Telling Bubba to buy duct tape is kind of like telling a dentist to buy floss.


Of course Bubba is ever one to take advantage of a situation and the run on duct tape was no exception.  Bubba planned to make lots of money on the terrorist threat and he wanted to know if I had a few bucks to invest.  Naturally, remembering Bubba’s last plan to infect Osama with chicken pox, I asked for additional information.  Bubba’s new plan was to load his pickup with duct tape and take it to New York where he figured on selling each roll for about five times what it cost. 


Bubba advised that his second cousin Marvelle’s husband, a man who only came south of the Mason Dixon line to find a real woman, called from New York and asked about that “duck tape.”  According to Bubba he couldn’t find any of it anywhere and all his neighbors were in the same boat.  They thought it was something mainly used in the south to repair holes in our mobile homes.


All southerners know that duct tape can hold about anything together: including cars, tools, appliances, lawnmowers, tractors and assorted farm equipment.  In a pinch you can stem the flow of blood and connect the odd limb or digit that may have accidentally been severed.  It was gratifying to hear the Department of Homeland Security tell Americans that duct tape is an essential part of our safety.


What a lot of us, even in the south, didn’t know is that duct tape is much more than tape.  There’s a guy in Kentucky making belts, hats, purses and lots of other stuff out of duct tape.  Just think of the possibilities.  If your plumbing springs a leak, grab that duct tape hat and patch away.  If you get a flat just rip off your fashionable duct tape belt.


Just a quick reminder that when you remove duct tape it will rip off all the paint and an eighth inch of wood and also the top layer of your skin.  Hey the stuff’s made to last.


It came as no surprise to any Mississippian that the Department of Homeland Security called upon us all to keep duct tape in the house.  Maybe in New York people are running around saying, “Duck tape?  What the heck is duck tape?”  However, we Mississippians have known for many years that duct tape is an essential item for our very way of life. 


Well I didn’t invest in Bubba’s duct tape to New York scheme, but given the current stock market conditions maybe it wasn’t such a bad deal.  At least I would have been taking money out of New York instead of sending it there never to be heard from again.


My wife says there’s a leak under the kitchen sink, but not to worry, I’ve got duct tape.


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