All The Cute Girls Are Grandmothers




What is the ultimate indicator that you are getting old?  Of course there are lots of ways to tell, and if you don’t know of any them consider yourself officially young.  My personal experiences may serve as examples for readers in doubt, or those still kidding themselves.

A few years ago it became clear that plucking out gray hairs would leave me bald so I opted for the “distinguished gray haired male” myth.  It’s what we old guys tell ourselves about having gray hair.  There are similar myths for men whose hair is mostly on the shower floor, bald is beautiful and all of that. 

The occasional twinge in my shoulder went 24/7 and the spots on my hands were no longer considered freckles.  That led me to start paying attention to the many advertisements for creams, lotions and potions guaranteed to relieve pain and make my skin look positively youthful.  Have you ever noticed how many of the people advertising stuff for old folks on television don’t really look old themselves? 

I have begun to see my doctor in his office more often than on the golf course, and with my doctor that’s going some.  Shelley Berman (a 1960’s comedian) once said, “Have you ever been anywhere, anytime, when someone said is there a doctor in the house and there wasn’t a doctor in the house?  They’re always out there, living it up.”

One sign of aging is that maintenance goes up, kind of like on an old car.  I spent the other afternoon with a good friend sitting in his gazebo exchanging stories of our recent illnesses.  We discussed various doctors and procedures and medications with more knowledge than I ever wanted to have.  Many years ago we talked about girls and games and pigging out.  On this day we sounded worse than old women at a bridge game.    


At I found the following signs of aging: Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.  People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"  Things you buy now won't wear out.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.  You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.  You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.  You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.  "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Recently I discovered the absolute best sign that my prime may be past.  It dawned on me when she was writing up the listing agreement for a condo.  We chatted briefly about the potential sale and, since she was just a year behind me in high school, various people we both knew.  She mentioned her seven grandchildren, yes seven, with understandable pride.  Grab a pen and write this down for future reference.  “You know you are getting old when all the cute girls are grandmothers.”  My wife reminded me that she is a grandmother too, well of course.






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