Nude Cruise




The other day I was reading a copy of USA Today while waiting on my wife.  Yes, I spend a fair amount of time waiting on my wife, but that’s beside the point.  I perused the paper’s travel section looking for a vacation I could afford to take that didn’t require three hours in a locked room listening to a timeshare sales pitch from a woman with big hair, too much costume jewelry and the inability to understand the meaning of “NO.”  The advertisement for Nude Caribbean Cruises caught my attention.


Who goes on a nude Caribbean cruise?  I have never taken a nude Caribbean cruise.  Nobody in my family has taken a nude cruise.  I don’t know anybody who’s been on a nude cruise.  I don’t even know anybody who knows anybody who’s been on a nude cruise. 


Why would you take a nude Caribbean cruise?  Fifty per cent of Americans are overweight.  The fastest growing segment of our population is people over seventy.  If I want to see a naked old fat person I take a shower.


Lately I’ve seen a lot of people wearing shorts who should not be exposing themselves to innocent children.  I know you’ve seen these folks.  Don’t you ever want to walk up to them and say, “After you put on those shorts did you look in the mirror?”


For those of you considering taking a nude cruise let me suggest a few tests to determine whether this would be a good idea.  Bend over and grab your knees.  If you consider this a stretching exercise a nude cruise is not a good idea.  Grab the skin over your knees and pull.  If you are reminded of a taffy pull at grandmothers, you shouldn’t take a nude cruise.  Now, put your arms out like wings and flap them three times very hard.  If the backs of your arms keep flapping, forget the nude cruise.


The concept of a nude cruise raises a number of questions.  Is everybody nude on a nude cruise?  Forget the hairy bodies in the buffet line.  Forget the cellulite queens around the pool.  What about the guys in the engine room?  Does workers compensation cover losing a dangling participle in a tragic boiler room accident?  If you get sick does the ship’s doctor still give you a gown?  When nude passengers sit on deck chairs do they walk around with the pattern of wicker on their butts?  How do you dress for dinner with the Captain?  For that matter how do you tell the Captain from a naked New Jersey tire salesman?


There is a reason we invented clothes in the first place.  Most of us look a heck of a lot better with our bodies covered.  Unless the crew consists entirely of Playboy bunnies I’m back in a room with Wanda, the lady with big hair, and the timeshare sales pitch that questions whether I deserve to live if I don’t buy one.


Just one more thing about nude cruises, are these people naked or nekkid.  Yes, there is a difference.  Being naked just means that you don’t have any clothes on.  You get nekkid with the intention of having a good time.   


They say that to make yourself more comfortable when making a speech you should picture the audience naked.  I can’t do that.  I’m afraid just to keep themselves awake they might be picturing me naked and it ain’t a pretty picture.



(An excerpt of: Being From The South Doesn’t Make Me Stupid!)

Jack Kean


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