Easily Satisfied Men




Before you read further please be advised that this column is rated PG-13 for adult themes, vacuous content and the unnecessary insertion of rarely used words for the express purpose of allowing the writer to project an erudite façade.  Those choosing to read further have been duly warned. 


Have you ever been taking the Flying Eaglets first grade girls’ soccer team to practice in your SUV with surround sound and have one of those embarrassing commercials for adult products come on the radio?  You quickly change the station, but there’s no escaping it so you turn off the radio and try to interest the girls in a rousing chorus of Kumbaya. 


In the olden days advertisements for women’s personal hygiene products made for uncomfortable moments in mixed company and that was bad enough, but now there is an amazing assortment of embarrassing products for men.  The ads first convince us that we are sorely lacking in one area or another then immediately proceed to sell something to fix what we didn’t know was wrong in the first place.  You’ve got to love American ingenuity.           


It seems Viagra was the first pill simultaneously advertised on every radio station in the world, but today there are a plethora of others, and some even more personal.  Viagra just promises to improve your performance, while the new ones suggest that some of your equipment is deficient.


The other day I heard an ad for a product that rhymes with insight and is guaranteed to enhance a certain portion of the male anatomy.  But this really isn’t about the product itself since I haven’t tried it, choosing instead to live with what nature provided.


The advertisement said 83% of those buying it place another order.  I guess that’s pretty good.  They brag the product actually works on 91% of the men who try it.  Also interesting is that 93% of the men who use it are satisfied.  That raises, at least in my mind, a fascinating question.


What’s the deal with that two percent?  You know, the two percent for whom the product doesn’t work but they are nevertheless satisfied.  These men pay money for the amazing pills and then take them as instructed but find they do absolutely nothing.  The pills do not enhance anything.  They don’t make anything bigger or better.  For some reason these men are still satisfied.  Do you think women would ever be satisfied with a product that doesn’t work?       







How does that happen anyway?  Who are these men?  Is there some way we could get their addresses?  Why weren’t one of these men ever my boss?  Why can’t they be my editors at newspapers or even book publishers?  Think of it, here are people who purchase a product that doesn’t work and yet they are satisfied.  Most of the people I know are more like the Rolling Stones’ song, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”    


Once these easily satisfied men are located we’ve got to find something to sell them.  I don’t even know what, but it doesn’t matter.  It could be hair in a can or Enron stock, or my latest book, they will be satisfied.  If you are one of these men feel free to send me your name and address because I love a satisfied reader.         


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