Sicker 'n A Dog


“I been sick,” BJ used to announce in front of the 5th grade class when he didn’t do his homework.  BJ was sick a lot in the 5th grade, though he never looked sickly and beat up all the boys on the playground.  That was back when you didn’t fight girls so he left them pretty much alone.  Truth is there were a couple of girls I’d have put my milk money on.


Southerners describe illnesses in colorful ways like: “Sicker’n a dog”, “Under the weather” also known as “Stove up,” and “Feeling puny”.  Here are my recent recollections of the differences.    


Sicker’n A Dog – I’m gonna die.  I’m too sick to die.  The light hurts my eyes.  What time is it?  What day is it?  Tuesday?  What happened to Monday?  Wonder when I showered last?  It’s not like I’m working, if it weren’t for fever I wouldn’t sweat at all.    


Where’s the remote?  There, six maybe eight inches away.  I can’t move.  I’ll wait until somebody comes by and picks it up.  Maybe they’ll tune in something besides game shows.  I hate game shows.  That woman won $5,000 and she’s jumping up and down like an idiot.  I couldn’t jump up and down for $50,000.  Maybe for the Powerball I could manage a jump.  Does Fran Dresser really talk like that?  Why hasn’t somebody strangled her?


Bathroom?  No, no, no.  I can’t get up.  Okay I’ll try.  The cover’s so heavy.  If I can just throw my leg off the bed.  Maybe later. 


Under The Weather – Lord this couch feels good.  Thank goodness for the remote or I’d wind up watching Wheel of Fortune all day.  Not another bowl of canned soup with orange juice.  There’s nothing good on TV.  Sports Center is a repeat.  Surprise, nothing happened in the world of sports between midnight and eight a.m.  Do I have to get up and go to bed?  It seems a waste of effort since I’ll be back here tomorrow.    


Feeling Puny –  Another day on the couch and I’ll shoot somebody.  Thank heavens for Lifetime movies, even if the men are too bad and the women too strong.  I wonder if my wife would rent some action movies when she’s getting Dr. Pepper and pizza.  At least while she’s out the vacuum cleaner won’t be running.  It’s so loud OSHA could issue a noise citation.           


Have you ever been sicker’n a dog?                   


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