THE SOUTHERN ZODIAC
The Southern Zodiac
consists of a 12-year cycle, with each year named after an animal, vegetable or
desert associated with the South. While
absolutely no one actually believes that the year of a person’s birth imparts
to individuals the traits of these signs, we at Southern Zodiac Knickknacks,
Place Mats and Bumper Stickers Inc. believe that our time has come. In the near future you will not be able to
sit down at a barbecue restaurant without seeing a paper place mat explaining
the Southern Zodiac.
Pick up trucks all
over the South will have bumper stickers that say things like, “I’m a Chitlin
on the prowl for the right Moon Pie.”
For married folks there will be advice, “If you love dancing, never
marry a Possum.” At some point you’ll
see, “Marry a Grit and the whole family moves in.”
While the Southern
Zodiac has been around for some time we have taken it to that mythical next
level you so often hear sports commentators mention. We have conducted extensive research using
the latest polling and psychological profiling techniques. Psychics gave us readings on the telephone
and were able to guess our signs with astounding accuracy. For the sake of full disclosure let me
announce that I am a Butter Bean married to a Catfish.
The twelve signs of
the Southern Zodiac include; Okra, Chitlin, Boll Weevil, Moon Pie, Possum,
Crawfish, Collards, Catfish, Grits, Boiled Peanuts, Butter Bean, and
Armadillo. Each of them has unique
characteristics and charm. Some signs go
together like Okra and Collards and other don’t do well together at all, such
as Crawfish and Moon Pies.
For those of you with
nothing to believe in; for those of you who want to explain why your husband,
wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, boss, co-worker etc., act the way they do we
present (pretend there are drum rolls here.) The Southern Zodiac.
OKRA
1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You
remain a mystery to most with your rough exterior, but on the inside you’re
just the opposite and at times can even be too slick. This seeming contradiction turns some people
off, though the ones who love you will remain loyal even when you find yourself
in a stew. Often Okras get along well
with Collards, Chitlins and Catfish.
Never marry an Armadillo because they have a short life span and will
eat you for lunch.
1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973,
1985, 2009
Chitlins
are not used to living high on the hog, generally coming from humble
backgrounds. However, you can make
something special of yourself with motivation and the appropriate amount of
seasoning. Most people will be very
curious about your background and preparation for any task. Chitlins often appreciate every opportunity
presented since they have seen the worst that life can offer. Chitlins are misunderstood by many, but
generally get along well with Collards and Catfish. Finding a mate will be difficult for you, but
consider a Moon Pie. They have a soft
heart and are very easy to please.
BOLL WEEVIL
1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974,
1986, 1998,
When
appearance is secondary Boll Weevils are at their best. You won’t have a date for the prom, but your
desire to dig deep into anything makes you an ideal science project
partner. You are the ultimate
nerds. Boll Weevils are intense, driven
and single minded. You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with outside appearances and you
feel the need to bore deep into everything.
You often are a computer nerd and sometimes can be a geek. Only another Boll Weevil will marry you
unless you make a fortune in high tech.
MOON PIE
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975,
1987, 1999,
You're the type that spends a lot of time rocking on the front porch or napping
in a hammock. It's a cinch to recognize
the physical appearance of Moon Pies who often shop in the portly pal section
of clothing stores. Big and soft are the
key words here. You should marry anybody whose idea of a big time is an
all-you-can-eat barbecue buffet. It's
not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics, then
again, maybe not. You might consider
marrying a Boll Weevil since they eat all the time.
POSSUM
1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976,
1988, 2000,
Possums
are not extroverts and often prefer to be left alone. When confronted with life's difficulties
Possums become even more withdrawn. This
tendency is so obvious that the term, “Playing Possum” has come to mean
pretending to be dead. If opposites
attract you are sure to fall in love with a Collard. While aggressively confronting problems will
never be your strong suit, don’t ignore the ones that could run over you.
CRAWFISH
1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977,
1989, 2001,
Crawfish love partying around the pool with lots of other Crawfish. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains. A big night at home will
definitely include a very hot bath. You
don’t look good in swimming trunks but generally have excellent taste. Crawfish can often be found in places where
there are many Catfish. Stay away from
Moon Pies because they do poorly in water.
1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978,
1990, 2002,
Collards
are hearty and strong. They tend to
wield influence on all around them with their very essence. Collards love to be in the midst of others
like themselves. Collards don’t tend to
be the main attraction, but a great addition to any team. Others, who may be overwhelmed, do not always
appreciate the strength of Collards.
Most who like Catfish are also attracted to Collards. For that reason it might be a good idea to
seek out a Catfish for a mate.
CATFISH
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979,
1991, 2003,
Catfish
will eat anything and simply love to feed where there is a large buffet
line. They will eat every dish down to
the very bottom. Catfish seldom seek the
limelight and are content to live their lives in relative obscurity. You will often find them at the lowest rung
of the totem pole. Many Catfish enjoy
water sports, particularly scuba diving.
Catfish seldom win beauty pageants, but those who love them are more
than willing to forego looks for taste.
Catfish should look to Okras for a mate.
GRITS
1932,
1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004,
Grits
value being part of a team most of all.
They are seldom singled out for recognition, preferring to work together
with a large number of other Grits. Most
Grits are early risers and think of breakfast as the best meal of the day. Grits tend to have rather bland personalities
that often need to be spiced up. Grits
do not fit in well with any of the other Southern Signs. Grits should marry other Grits. If you must look outside your sign for a mate
consider Okras and Catfish, though these unions tend to more one night stands
than everyday marriages.
BOILED PEANUTS
1933,
1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005,
Boiled
Peanuts have a salty personality that belies their inside tenderness. They love the soil and are most at home in
the garden. Even people who enjoy being
around Boiled Peanuts need to discretely keep their meetings short. Boiled Peanuts can have an almost addicting
affect on others. Boiled Peanuts should
not be jealous of their more popular cousins, Roasted Peanuts. You have a unique character that is all your
own. On the road of life you can be sure
that others will pull over and stop for you.
Do not marry a Chitlin because finding friends who will like you both at
the same time is almost impossible.
BUTTER BEAN
1934,
1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006,
Butter Beans are wallflowers on the table of life, always the bridesmaid, never
the bride. You get along well with
almost everybody, but are often overlooked.
Butter Beans tend to be an afterthought and not essential at any
gathering. You are often seen with Okras
so maybe they would make a good mate selection.
Do not marry a Grit because you will never feel part of the family.
ARMADILLO
1935,
1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Armadillos
are not good travelers and should always stay very close to home. You have a tendency to develop a tough
exterior, but a drive along any southern road proves that you are not as tough
as you believe. A good evening for you
is one that keeps you off the road.
Armadillos tend to be rooted in the past. You will be absolutely the last one on your
block to surf the web. Come out of your
shell when looking for a mate because it will be a tough sell.
There
you have it. Put
them on the refrigerator and when you have trouble understanding someone’s
actions just check the Southern Zodiac.
I’m certain it will be as helpful to you as it is to me.
Some
have inquired why the Southern Zodiac doesn’t work like the astrological signs
that change every few weeks. The answer
is simple, southerners don’t do anything that fast. We figure changing the sign every year is
plenty fast enough.
As
a reminder, the twelve signs of the Southern Zodiac include; Okra, Chitlin,
Boll Weevil, Moon Pie, Possum, Crawfish, Collards, Catfish, Grits, Boiled
Peanuts, Butter Bean, and Armadillo. Did
you find yourself?
Author's note: I indicated in the opening page of this site that all work is original, however, it is only fair to note that this concept was not original to me. I am not certain where it originated. I took the basic idea and made substantial additions.